a friend asked me today, “when did you truly get over the miscarriage?” my answer was, “i haven’t”. i still think of both gaby and carmel on and off. the pain is not so intense anymore but a mother doesn’t forget. and i don’t know how i’ll feel when 28 november comes around because it would’ve been carmel’s due date. so yeah, i will never forget but i’ve learned to depend on God’s scheme of things, to be more understanding towards people who have health problems and to know that i’m not alone whenever i feel that i’m too tired to go on.

i was introduced to kellie coffey’s video, “i would die for that” by diary of a miscarriage. when i checked out the video, it really hit home. here are the lyrics:

i would die for that

Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep
A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret

But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die
For that

And I’ve been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete
With every test and checkup
Told not to give up
He wonders if it’s him
And i wonder if it’s me

But all I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be

Cause I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have
I would die for that

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I’d give up
I would die
For that

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive
When all that I’ve got
And all I’ve achieved
What I want most of all
Before my time is gone.

when i don’t talk about my failed pregnancies doesn’t mean i don’t think about it everyday. it’s just that i don’t think anyone understands me and i’m tired of listening to people telling me that i’m young, at least i know i can conceive (so what? it’s like giving me hope and then taking it away), i can always try again and etc. both gaby and carmel are real to me. but because they’re dancing in heaven with God doesn’t mean that i’m not a mother. i am… in my own way.

the past year has not been easy for me. it has been just past one year that i learned of my first pregnancy (ectopic) and its termination. but, i got over my ectopic pregnancy pretty quickly because i never knew i was pregnant until i went to the emergency ward. it wasn’t a very comfortable experience but i would like to think i handled that pretty well considering i was taking care of myself after i got out of hospital.

after my ectopic pregnancy, we were not every trying and found out that we were pregnant again in march after a missed period. i thought i was 8 weeks by the time i went to the gynae but he later informed me that i was actually just 6 weeks…. which meant, i ovulated 2 weeks later then the supposed ovulation date. which then means, my timing has gone haywire. right after that appointment with the gynae, i miscarriaged….

i was left broken that it had to happen to me. i wasn’t so much of being angry because i didn’t have the energy to be angry. i was just sad that carmel left us. i was envious and jealous of those who were pregnant, with babies and children. and i beat myself up time and time again for thinking those evil thoughts. but, i was always reminded by websites supporting miscarriaged mothers that i’m only human.

i took my time to grief for carmel because when you experience a miscarriage, it’s different from your grandparents, parents and etc passing away. when you had a miscarriage, part of your future disappeared. all your hopes and dreams for the one you carried in your womb cannot be fulfilled. and that was what i had to overcome….

it wasn’t easy to pick up the broken pieces and put them together again. but, God gave me strength. He taught me to humble and depend solely upon Him. He gave me a husband who could love, care, understand and comfort me at this time when i’m weak. God gave me a family who supports me 101%. and He provided me with friends to keep their doors opened for me whenever i need someone to listen. He even gave me bloggers who kept me sane and share my pain.

i’m going to take one moment at a time and learn to depend on the powers beyond my control.

the greatest lesson i learned from my ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages is being sensitive to other people’s feelings to the best of my ability. but, i’ve realised that expecting people (even your own family members) to be sensitive to your feelings is like a 0.01% chance. and i’m just expected to pick up the pieces and move on by myself…. sometimes, i just feel so tired. especially when i thought i’ve healed 90%. i even bought a nice gift for a baby i’ve yet to see. and now, i’m starting all over again….

warning: dangerous post ahead!

sometimes, i just think it gets harder and harder…. there were times i just wonder why can’t i stop living. maybe then, i’ll get to meet gaby and carmel; and play with them forever. i also think it gets harder because people start expecting me to get better when i just couldn’t and am not ready. when will i finally heal? i don’t know…. will another pregnancy help? i don’t know…. and i think miscarriage snatched away the innocence and joy of being pregnant because i know for sure that i’ll be so worried the next time i’m pregnant. i’ve read and heard of women who count the days to delivering their babies after they’ve experienced miscarriage because they worry that the pregnancy will never succeed. yes, people asked me not to talk about it or not to read about it…. it truly doesn’t matter. the moment i get up till the time i sleep in oblivion, i think of both my precious children. we should’ve been able to celebrate mother’s and father’s day with joy and laughter but now, only reminded us of our losses. people asked me to go out more often but what good does it do? i really don’t have the mood or the energy to talk to people… my solace is gardening, cooking, baking, reading… every activity under the sun that just require myself and no one else. people will now think i’m shutting myself up. if so, so what? it’s my life…. and i’m just not ready to deal with people.

and then, there were good days where i accepted the miscarriage and try to think that i’m okay. even then, those who understand are those who’ve gone through it and for now, they’re mostly websites on the internet or blogs…. one of them is our hope place.