last night was a very special night. whilst i was reading, i felt little one actively kicking inside. and a very special bond was formed between mother and child. i love bonding with little one. whenever i can, i will talk, sing or read to little one. and little one’s kicks will affirm his/her reaction to the sound. it’s a very special kind of feeling. one that i felt fathers are left without and sometimes, i do sympathise with the fathers when it comes to this. but i also know that they’re happy they’re not the ones having all the pregnancy symptoms, carrying the weight around and having to change their lifestyles. however, i still think they do miss out on a lot…. but, i thank God each day that i have a loving husband and excited soon-to-be dad to share each and everyday with. in fact, he’s so excited that he has started collecting 50 cents coins for little one so that when he/she can start riding on those kiddie rides in shopping malls, we don’t need to go hunting for coins. i think it’s time to buy little one a piggy bank. hehehe!

today also marks the due date of carmel…. i’m not sure whether anyone remembered or not. but i do. how can a mother forget? a mother never forgets. i’m not sad or hurt over it that much anymore. but, i felt that if i forget carmel, i neglected her. i just wanted to remember her here… and i’m fine.

after so many months of procrastination, i finally had the time and the mood to actually spend some time redesigning the blog theme. i have disliked the previous theme for a long time but never had the time to actually change it especially since i was going through miscarriage and a period of sadness only to find out that i was pregnant again and having to take a lot of rest. so, even though i was very tempted to sit in front of the computer and do the things i love to do, i had to stay away from the computer everyday when i got back from work. well, i’m not quite satisfied with the new look but you’ll never know with me. i can be quite fickle minded.

a friend asked me today, “when did you truly get over the miscarriage?” my answer was, “i haven’t”. i still think of both gaby and carmel on and off. the pain is not so intense anymore but a mother doesn’t forget. and i don’t know how i’ll feel when 28 november comes around because it would’ve been carmel’s due date. so yeah, i will never forget but i’ve learned to depend on God’s scheme of things, to be more understanding towards people who have health problems and to know that i’m not alone whenever i feel that i’m too tired to go on.

i was introduced to kellie coffey’s video, “i would die for that” by diary of a miscarriage. when i checked out the video, it really hit home. here are the lyrics:

i would die for that

Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep
A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret

But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die
For that

And I’ve been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete
With every test and checkup
Told not to give up
He wonders if it’s him
And i wonder if it’s me

But all I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be

Cause I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have
I would die for that

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I’d give up
I would die
For that

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive
When all that I’ve got
And all I’ve achieved
What I want most of all
Before my time is gone.

when i don’t talk about my failed pregnancies doesn’t mean i don’t think about it everyday. it’s just that i don’t think anyone understands me and i’m tired of listening to people telling me that i’m young, at least i know i can conceive (so what? it’s like giving me hope and then taking it away), i can always try again and etc. both gaby and carmel are real to me. but because they’re dancing in heaven with God doesn’t mean that i’m not a mother. i am… in my own way.

the past year has not been easy for me. it has been just past one year that i learned of my first pregnancy (ectopic) and its termination. but, i got over my ectopic pregnancy pretty quickly because i never knew i was pregnant until i went to the emergency ward. it wasn’t a very comfortable experience but i would like to think i handled that pretty well considering i was taking care of myself after i got out of hospital.

after my ectopic pregnancy, we were not every trying and found out that we were pregnant again in march after a missed period. i thought i was 8 weeks by the time i went to the gynae but he later informed me that i was actually just 6 weeks…. which meant, i ovulated 2 weeks later then the supposed ovulation date. which then means, my timing has gone haywire. right after that appointment with the gynae, i miscarriaged….

i was left broken that it had to happen to me. i wasn’t so much of being angry because i didn’t have the energy to be angry. i was just sad that carmel left us. i was envious and jealous of those who were pregnant, with babies and children. and i beat myself up time and time again for thinking those evil thoughts. but, i was always reminded by websites supporting miscarriaged mothers that i’m only human.

i took my time to grief for carmel because when you experience a miscarriage, it’s different from your grandparents, parents and etc passing away. when you had a miscarriage, part of your future disappeared. all your hopes and dreams for the one you carried in your womb cannot be fulfilled. and that was what i had to overcome….

it wasn’t easy to pick up the broken pieces and put them together again. but, God gave me strength. He taught me to humble and depend solely upon Him. He gave me a husband who could love, care, understand and comfort me at this time when i’m weak. God gave me a family who supports me 101%. and He provided me with friends to keep their doors opened for me whenever i need someone to listen. He even gave me bloggers who kept me sane and share my pain.

i’m going to take one moment at a time and learn to depend on the powers beyond my control.